One Year

Well Lilah, it's been one year. I visited your grave at 10:30 today. Do you remember last year? I had you in my hands, on my way up the stairs to call the vet, so they could put you down. I only made it halfway up the stairs though and sat down. Somehow Mom was there with her arms around me, cupping her hands around mine, and you were struggling to breathe. But you couldn't, and you left me.
I thought my world was going to end. I was relieved that you were done suffering, that you didn't have to deal with the cancer that had taken over your body, but I miss you. I know I'm never going to see you again. You're gone.
I remember giving you kisses and cuddles before I wrapped you up in some paper towels, but I don't remember burying you. I don't remember where you are.
People probably think I'm a bit silly, making such a big deal out of one little hamster. I don't know, maybe I am. God gave me a tender heart, and I get very attached to things that I love. I have a hard time letting go. You were very important to me, very special.
I adopted you because no one else wanted you, remember? For a while I wanted to get the cataracts removed from your eyes so that you could see (do they even do surgery like that on such little animals?).
Then I accepted the fact that you were blind and always would be, and that made you special.
I loved you always. From the very second I put you in your new cage, right to the end. Even when my hands were covered in hamster bites because you didn't know me yet. I never got frustrated or impatient with you.
When the vet told me that you had cancer and would only live for 2-4 months, I was so sad. I gave you baby food and vegetables to keep you healthy. You got so skinny. I couldn't do anything. I think you were happy right up until the last 2 days. You still ran on your wheel and ate your food and played in your hamster playground. You still had your little attitude and only let me hold you.
I got a new hamster, 2 months after you died. You probably wouldn't like him. You would think he is too fluffy, and too big, and too scared. I like him though. He lived in your house for a while, but I had to get a bigger aquarium. I still have yours, though. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.
You silly girl, you captured my heart. I never thought I'd love you this much.
I love you so much it hurts. I miss you. I will remember you.
Love, your mama.

P.S. It's gray and cloudy today, and the sky is crying too.